Wednesday, July 25, 2007

sharing my heart ...



lately my blog hasn't reflected my heart ... because i haven't had the heart to blog ...

don't get me wrong ... i am thankful ... God is good ... yet life can still be hard (just like the country song says!) ...

i feel like the dove that Noah sent from the ark ... i fly and fly - searching, yet don't have a place to stop and rest ... tho' i must amend that statement - my bike rides are my rest & prayer time ...

just a brief up-date as to the "why's" of my heaviness of spirit ...

leo's health (or lack of health) ranks #1 ... his chronic pain and the effect of the meds on his body and whole disposition, can sometimes be challenging for us both ... at the moment, we are juggling some pills around - trying to make things a bit better ... tho' sometimes it seems we only make it worse!

then last week leo's dad was put in palliative care (they live 1500 miles away) ... leo's not close to his dad or the sister who does the care-giving ... yet it is still distressing ... there are many factors at work - and i won't be airing any of them here - but boy is it a challenge for me to keep abreast of facts or keep cordial lines open ...

and then the struggles of my family ... i know the pickle that some are in could have been of their own making - and the way they should walk seems to be so clear to me!!! - yet they continue along, getting mired in yuck and sadness ...

everyone has similar problems, i do realize that .... yet, every once in a while they can get so overwhelming ... my wings get tired of flapping and my heart gets heavy from the battle ...

as always, God gives a word of encouragement ... or a word of warning ...

i'll close with what i gleaned from my bible reading today ... and please forgive my bit of complaining here ... it just got to me this morning ...

"For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committted to him." 2 Chronicles 14: 9

"Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden. ... Shall what is formed say to him who formed it,"' Why did you make me like this?' Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?" Romans 18:8, 20

UPDATE: today, at 5:20 p.m. Eastern time ... leo's dad died ...

27 comments:

daisymarie said...

You know I understand the deep hurt over the helpless watching of a husband in pain. You have my prayers!!!!

Penless Thoughts said...

Saija - Thank you for the honestly of your post and the beautiful picture of the dove. We as Christians are blessed but we all suffer in this world that we are in but not of. That is the problem. I can only imagine the pain you go through in watching your dear husband suffer because I have not had to go through that.

Life is a mixture of the good and the bad and usually we can concentrate on the good but every once in awhile we cave in momentarily. We all do it so just know that we out here care and understand and will pray for you and yours.

My blog today is about the joy of our daughter finally being able to buy a home which is joyeous. At the same time we are dealing with very serious issues with a 12 year old granddaughter. But God is good anyway!!!!
Susan

It's a FLIP-FLOP World said...

I am so sorry Saija...I hate it for Leo and I hate it for you too...the caregiver has a hard time and when it is your husband it would just be awful!! I am so thankful that so far my hubby is doing pretty well.. You just have to keep trusting in God to help you keep going even if it is 1 minute at a time. Sandy

Cathy said...

Dear Saija,
What a most beautiful picture. My daughter has a dove that her husband caught beside a busy shopping area. It had a broken wing, and they took it to the vet. It is in a large cage.

It's okay to share how you feel. I pray God will touch Leo, take away the pain, and lift the burdens from you two, giving you peace. I know it has got to be hard when a loved one is suffering so.

I love that scripture about how the eyes of the Lord run to and fro in 2 Chronicles 16:9.

Mari said...

I'm sorry you are going through this Saija, but good for you for being honest about it. How else would we know to pray for you? I know, you know God loves you but I will be praying for you to feel his love and peace even more. I will also be praying for Leo.

Maggie Ann said...

Oh dear...sometimes when it rains it pours as the saying goes. I'll be lifting up your husband in prayer tonight! and you dear friend. Family troubles always weigh on our hearts heavily...I just put my cello away...I'm being punished for not taking it with me for that week of vacation...grin. Oh well, I'll keep on keeping on. I hate to give ground though, even temporarily. My hubby is home sick with the flu today. We didn't used to hear of the flu virus' in the summer did we. He has been suffering a lot of foot pain and I think its gotten his immune system down. Take care, His coming is soon, surely! What a glad day that will be, no more pain or suffering...oh praise God!

Sara said...

dear saija, thank you so much for sharing your heart. it is such an honor to be allowed a peak into your life so that we can agree with you in prayer and stand with you in spirit. although we won't likely meet until heaven; you are loved and prayed for today my sister. as is leo and your families. be peaceful.
sara

Pat said...

Your very special to share what your feeling and allowing us to pray with and for you. Your right, we all have things in our lives that weight us down, I know I certainly do. One of the privledges God gives us is to have those who care interceeding in prayer on your behalf ~ we're here and we're praying.

eija said...

Oh my dear friend... Life is hard, I know that too. And it's so easy to say from the "outside" that God doesn't want you to worry or bear burdens but to rejoice in Him - I hate it when I get slapped at my face with that! So I won't do it to you either ;) Just the other day I read a wise sentiment from a book. Don't have the book here now, but it went something like: "We can tell the people what they are doing is wrong, but that doesn't give them the strength to quit doing it."

So I'll just promise you I'll say a prayer or two for you and Leo too. I know God will take care of you - burdens or no burdens.

PILGRIM PALS said...

Saija, I'm sending prayers and hugs to both ((((you and Leo)))).

I think your verses are spot on for today. Odd how the Holy Spirit directs, isn't it?

hebrews 11:1 said...

Hello...I just read the sad news on Pals...I'll be keeping you and your husband in prayer. I like how you referenced that song in your post...you have no idea how often I sing it to myself! Well, I change a few words, and one verse, but it means a lot to me all the same. God is great, but somtimes life ain't good; when I pray, it doesn't always turn out like I think it should: but I do it it anyway.

Lord bless you and keep you in his loving arms,

Lil Pilgrim Pal

Saija said...

tina ... i appreciate the community of blogging pals, and those with similar problems ... i know you understand, dear one ...

Susan ... thank you for the encouragement ... it is so appreciated ...

Sandy ... i keep telling leo that the care-givers usually go first!

cathy ... just when i get down or discouraged - God lifts me up through his word and his people!

mari ... i tend to minimalize or not share my problems ... which isn't always good - so i need to humble myself and let it out there sometimes!

maggie ann ... what a good day that will be - when we hear those chariots rumble and the trumpet sound - next, His dear face we will see! amen!

sara ... i so appreciate when others remember to lift us up in prayer ... thank you ...

pat ... thank you ... i guess i needed more prayer then i realize at this time - with leo's dad dieing today ... i blogged before i knew of his death ...

eija ... i appreciate the prayers ... and these trials just draw us closer to the God who redeemed us! even if the trial seems difficult at the time ... blessings ...

pilgrim pal (is that passing-thru?) ... the Lord prepares hearts beforehand, doesn't he!

heb 11:1 ... thank you! and that was a faith hill song, wasn't it?

Pilot Mom said...

No, it's me, Pilot Mom. I forget to sign out and then I never put my name down when that happens.

Jim said...

Saija, I haven't posted here before even I knew who your were, but I do want leave my condolences to Leo and you in the loss of his dad.
Even when you aren't real close to your dad, it still hits you in a strange way. I lost my dad this January, the sadest part for me was just knowing I didn't have a dad anymore.
He lived 1200 miles away and I would only see him a couple or three times a year. But now, I just don't have a dad. Like a lot of others, I know.

My prayers will be for Leo, you, and the family.
..

eija said...

Just read the update - please give my best to Leo!

Terry said...

Dear Saija and Leo..My heart is breaking for you both.
You will be in my thoughts today.
Saija, I wonder if Jeanette knows.
She loves you guys so much..Love Terry

Jim said...

Saija, thanks for the time to come and comment.
Yes Mrs. Jim and I both ARE the older generation in our family now. She has one uncle and one aunt while I have no one.
I'm praying for you guys for the next few days.
Will Leo be able to attend the funeral?
I hope and pray so.
..

Saija said...

claire ... :o) ... thank you ...

jim ... my dad died in 2001 ... it is an odd feeling to not have your dad around ... and i know this will all eventually hit leo ... thank you for stopping by and the comment ...

eija ... i will, thanks!

terry ... yes, i e-mailed jeanette ... her dad died years back, as did mine ... so we have been in the fatherless group for awhile now ... your prayers are appreciated on behalf of leo & his fam! thank you !

jim ... no, leo won't be able to make the funeral ... walking is getting difficult for him, sitting has been difficult for years and years - so waiting at airports and that type of travel is extremely hard - then not having a place at the end of the destination to relax in, would be too taxing at this time ... and we are the "transitioning" older generation - since we are in our 50's ... blessings to you ..

Penless Thoughts said...

So sorry to hear about your FIL.
Susan

Pat said...

My deepest sympathy - will continue to pray for you and Leo.

Sara said...

love and sympathy to you and leo. will continue to pray for you my sister.

elizabeth said...

Oh, so sorry about Leo's dad passing. Never an easy time, regardless of the intensity of relationship, or not. Hope the FATHER will be especially close to you both during this time of transition. Hang in there dearie...this month has been tough on lots of folks I know and looking back, many Julys were hard ones for me. Now I think I can see why, well in part anyway, but it is hard to go through nonetheless. It is probably a good thing you are not working now and can be there with Leo. Will ask the FATHER to watch over you both real good!!

Cathy said...

Saija, I am so sorry about Leo's Dad. You two are in my thoughts and prayers.

Felisol said...

Dear Saija and Leo,
My condolances by the loss of Leo's father. I do hope it's only a temporary divorce, that you'll meet again.
I feel familiar with you being ovewhelmed by all sickness and shortcomings, Saija.
Pilot Mom sent me some words a month ago, and they've been verses to cling to this summer. I'd like to share them with you.
Philippians 4:6-7
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Yours Felisol

Saija said...

susan ... thank you ...

pat ... we covet your prayer ...

sara ... we appreciate that ...

elizabeth ... it is indeed good to be off work for times like this ... the added stress of having to be somewhere, would not be welcome at the moment!

cathy ... so good to know that so many are praying ...

felisol ... thank you for that verse ... those are the kinds of verses i cling too ... leo, with his chronic pain, doesn't know how to deal with the extra anxiety at times - or the things that his family expects from him, but he is not able to give to them ...

prayngsensfaninmontreal said...

I wish I could give you and Leo a big hug each but I'll settle for cyber {{{{{HUGS}}}}} sending you love and prayers.

Little Montreal Girl

Saija said...

lil mntrl girl ... thank you ... leo's hometown is near montreal ... blessings on ya!